Laura Nicole

Scary Movies

By Laura Nicole and Jeffrey Hite

This week the Pirates are taking over, well half taking over, the Please Spay Your Tribbles Column.   I say we are only half taking it over because this weeks column was inspired and spurred on by the Gypsy, Pirate queen, Laura Nicole.

As usual when the pirates take something over, they are putting their own twist on it.  This is going to be no exception.  Just in time for Halloween, yesterday on Twitter people were thinking of the less scary versions of titles for some of the more famous horror movies.  Being pirates we could not let this stand.  We had to come up with reason why the altered titles made the movies if not just as scary even scarier.  So here you go the top 5 or so. (Some times pirates can’t count very well)

House Of 1000 Unicorns:
There are some obvious and not so obvious reasons that this could be pretty darn scary.  So first let’s deal with the obvious.  We are talking about 1000 full sized horses in one house, even if it is a big house, that is a lot of horses in the same place.  I am not sure I would want see 1000 horses in a single pasture, let alone a house.  

As everyone knows Unicorns have horns.  1000 pointy objects on 1000 twitchy half ton animals, there is going to be blood involved, and then I only have one word for you, STAMPEDE!

Then there are some less obvious things that could make this idea pretty darn scary, but I will only bring up one of them.  Think about the amount of horse poop.  If you have ever worked in a barn you know what I am talking about.

The Bride Of Charles:

I have to admit that Chuckie was pretty darn scary, and though I have never seen The Bride of Chuckie and I can’t imagine his wife was Rainbow Bright or anything.  But we are talking about Charles.  Now you might not think that is all that scary but if you are a child of the 80’s you will understand there I am going here.  

For a while we put Charles in charge.  He was not so successful, and before that he got married to Jonie and we never heard from her again.  She certainly was not around while he was in charge.  Now some people may think that maybe she just left town or something, but even if she had there had to be some joint custody and we just never saw her.  I think there is a body somewhere.  Because then Charles was a doctor, and really they have all kinds of resources.

I Know What You Did At Recess:

Ah recess.  The free time of the young right?  If you were one of the cool kids this was the best time of the day.  Even if you weren’t as long as you weren’t in the middle of the dodge-ball circle it could be pretty good.  But remember back to being 7-10 when your biggest threat was the teacher sending a note home to your parents.  

It might seem kind of silly now, but when you were 8 and someone said, “I’m telling!”  You know the panic you felt.  Don’t try to deny it.  The sweat is beading up on your forehead right now isn’t it?  Mrs. Krepople is coming and she knows you have the note that James just passed you from Suzie, and that Suzie just got from Jennifer.  You have not had a chance to read it yet, but you are pretty sure that it says something about your kissing Katie under the monkey bars.  You are not ready for that to come out.  You didn’t really mean to kiss her.  But she was there and no one was looking and she had the cherry lip gloss on and you know how you feel about cherry lip gloss, heck you ate a whole tube of it last week. Oh sorry.  So you know what I am talking about right?  Pretty scary huh?

The Fairy Ring:

In the beginning there were the song, and the… Wait I don’t have time to tell you the whole Silmarillion.

Let’s just say that the There were the elves and the other folks.  But before the Elves even came along there was the bad guy.  He was Sauron’s boss, compared to him Sauron was a pansy, and Fairy if you will.  And well, he forged this ring and tired to take over the world and it got lost and then it got found again and he lost it and there were some raw fish in the deal and the whole world almost ended before the ring was destroyed. So yeah, Fairy Rings, pretty darn scary stuff.

The Extra Sis: (pronounced Ex-or-sis-ter)

If you have more than two kids you will understand this one.  Some times even keeping track of one child can be hard.  Hey were did the baby go.  The Extra Sis is the story of a family who forgot to do a head count before the left on vacation.  They got there only to realize that their daughter was still playing at her friends house.  It was too late to go back for her, so she was the Extra Sister in their house for a week, and she never let them forget the one time they left her behind.

30 Days Of Dusk:

This is scary.  This is very scary, because dusk is a lot  like twilight, and if you know anything about Twilight, you know it was scary especially if you have to watch it.   Really do I need to say more than this is just a code name for Twilight. Run! Run for your life!

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