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I want to start this by saying:

  • I have no answers.
  • I have no solutions.
  • I have nothing.
  • I won’t pretend to know anything.

What I do have is an experience and a need to get back to doing what I love. I hope to share some of that with you in hopes that in the sharing and hopefully your sharing in return, some, or maybe even all of us, can find a way back to doing what we love.

Last November my wife and I were eagerly expecting the newest addition to our family. Everything was set. We had our plans in place. We were ready. And more than that we were confidant that it was going to work out. This was not our first baby, an we knew what to expect. I was so confident that I even thought I could pull of doing a NaNoWriMo novel despite dealing with a brand new baby and the rest of the family. I made it to day 6 and 15130 words (I was ahead of schedule.)

The short version of what happened next is this, our daughter was born and died within an hour. It completely stopped my / our world. And Yet, we had to go on with our lives. One day I will be able to write down all the details, but that day is not today.

That brings me to the point. Since then and now, writing has become, difficult, painful and some times even non-existent. This is something I love to do. This is something that I don’t ever want to give up. But every time I sit down to write I think of, well I think of her. There is a lot of anger, all of it directed at myself. What could have done differently? What should have been doing that I was ignoring? The questions like that go on and on a haunt my every word.

That leads me to the question that I have asked myself over and over again. How do I, how does anyone get past a tragedy like this and continue doing something they love?

I have read more than I ever care to on the subject from the “professionals.” There seems to be two schools of thought:

  • Suck it up and just write through the pain, doing what you love will eventually be cathartic enough that will become natural again.
  • Wait until it feels right again, because doing it while you are in pain will make you hate it.

Neither of these sound particularly appealing to me. Since I don’t depend on my writing for a living, I don’t have to get back to it, but as I said it is not something I want to give up. Writing is something I do to keep me sane, but now I am stuck.

I know from the start, that I am not the only one to have experienced something like this. I know that I am not the only out there to have struggled with this. As I said from the start, I don’t have any answers. I hope that by sharing this that maybe I can help another writer or artist know that they are not alone. And Maybe together we can find some answers.

Thank you,
Jeff Hite
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